Double Eagle and the Double Punch

This is a funny world we live in. You can be on top of the world one minute and be going toe to toe with some drunken buffoon the next. And that's where I found myself last night.


More on that in a sec, but let's go back to the beginning. As most of you know, Wednesday is golf league night. Last night was fun night where we were all divided into 4-somes for a 4-man scramble. After not doing much the first 2 holes I came alive on the 3rd, hitting a 300 yard drive and a sand wedge to 8 feet where a teammate made the birdie putt. Another bomb drive on the 4th led to a par. After parring the 5th we went to the par 5 6th (15th hole, we were playing the back nine). Another 300 yard drive led to a tap in birdie. And again on the next hole, yet another big drive and we par.

That takes us to the 8th hole (#17) at -2. Once again I murder a drive down the middle and we're sitting at about 185 yards out (486 yard hole) after my tee shot. I go first and just play my ball where it lies (side note: in a scramble, everyone hits the ball they determine to be in the best position and can drop anywhere within a club length of it, no nearer the hole). It was important that I played the ball where it was without lifting it or anything, and that's because I took a 5 iron and hit a beautiful shot, just right of the hole, drawing slightly in... I'm hoping it'll be within 10 feet so we have a good look at eagle.... the ball lands, bounces once and rolls slowly turning towards the cup and DISAPPEARS! My first double eagle (2 on a par 5)! I still cannot believe it happened. My friends playing in different groups said later they were wondering who was screaming like a girl... yeah, that was me.

So, my name is in the paper (it's more rare than a hole in one), last name spelled wrong of course...

We win the scramble at -5 by 1 shot. Plenty of congrats in the clubhouse, just a great night.

Then I decide to hustle home about 8:30.

That's where the story turns horribly wrong... As I leave the parking lot I am quickly behind some moron in a red pickup truck that keeps crossing the center line, then jerking it back over and then crossing again, etc. He makes it to the Cottage Grove road stop sign without killing anyone and I'm thinking "man, this dude is hammered".

He turns left on CG road, same direction I'm going. Speed limit is 55, but he seems to mis-read 35 for 55 and I'm behind him giving him the international "what the fuck" symbol. He's not going any faster and of course, keeps drifting over the center line. I get to a passing zone and decide to get away from this asshole as quick as I can, so I blow by him and as I pass I look over and yell "Get the fuck off the road!" and continue on. I only live a mile away but by the time I get to my turn I'm a half mile ahead of him. I turn into my garage and park and get out only to see him pulling up in front of the house.

He comes storming up my driveway and I walk out to meet him. He gets right in my face yelling something about me yelling at him. I said "Maybe you should go back and have another drink before you drive" which is pretty hypocritical of me considering I'd had several Island Wheats myself. He says, to my amusement, "I was on the phone" to which I sarcastically respond with "Maybe you shouldn't be on the phone while you're driving since you obviously can't do both". Now, it's also obvious he's been drinking as well.

He's right in my face and I'm noticing he's got about 6" and 40 lbs on me when he gives me the 2 handed shove to the chest. I step back and come right forward again and all of a sudden he slaps me! Slaps! Like a girl! I dodged around him laughing "Did you just slap me???".

And now he is pissed. He comes storming towards me again and I'm thinking "this dude is not going to just walk away" so as he's coming in I launch a right cross and catch him right on the jaw. He staggers back as I dance around him getting over to the grass where I have more traction (I still had my golf shoes on). Now he's in his Marvin Hagler stance and wants to box. This is where I'm grateful for Showtime Boxing on the Nintendo Wii where I've honed my boxing skills (lol). He comes forward again and I flick a jab and catch him right on the point of his chin. He steps back and takes a wild swing which I duck under.

At about this time, Cdubya has heard the commotion and come out where she begins screaming for us to stop. I'm poised and ready to beat the shit out of this drunken jackass but he stops and just stares at her. She says "You want to hit me, go ahead." He mumbles something about if he sees me again he'll hit me again to which I laugh and say "you haven't hit me yet" and throw in a "douchebag" just for good measure. It's then that I notice the golf glove in his back pocket. Great, he plays league on Wednesdays at Door Creek, I'll probably get matched up with him in the final round of the club championship this year. He gets in his truck and drives away as I stand in the driveway.

Of course, I know what's coming next so I'm a little afraid to go inside... I finally relent and I get the lecture I knew was coming. "How many times have I told you to not do things like that?" "You have to just mind your own business", "You should have just called the police".

And all I'm thinking is "I'd really like to tell you about my double eagle".